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Moved to NYC, married, had two kids, moved to the burbs. The last three years have been tense, and that’s putting it mildly. Moving things so I think I’m crazy, saying conversations never happened, telling me I said things that I then second guessed myself. Always answering his phone, but convincing me I was insane, nagging. Our daughter was sick when she was six months old, no one could figure out what it was.It was so slow, so convincing, that I started to question if I was losing my mind. One morning, I woke up and the entire bed was covered in blood (milk and blood in that milk) makes for a horror scene that no parent on earth should ever face.My husband was in the city with his family drinking.I drove at a ridiculous speed into the children’s hospital to the emergency room and called him. Did he also check in every hour to see how she was, also no.He eventually forced me to have a scan (not by choice of my own, but after i was hospitalized due to a fight I started) which revealed that i had a grade 2 tumor in my frontal lobe. Since being treated my personality has mostly returned to the person I was prior to having the tumor and my horrible behavior has subsided.During the time I had the tumor, I did not recognize that my personality had changed and was not able to recognize just how horrible of a person I was being.He continued to sightsee with his family, on tour buses, of a city he lived in.
I am also really struggling accepting the fact that, I was that type of person.
The way i think now i cant believe that i was capable of that level of cruelty.
I sometimes feel like i don't deserve to have another chance.
And this is not the only horrible thing I did during this time. I was basically exiled because of who I had become.
It got to the point where no one in my life would have anything to do with me. The the only person who stuck around did so because they knew me the longest (we were in a home together as kids and wound up going to the same college) and recognized how extremely out of character I was behaving.